“Well, I’m glad that you faced your fear, but let’s try to do it in more constructive terms the next time.” I paraphrase. But it’s something I’ve heard from all of my therapists when it comes to the issue of smoking pot.
It’s not that I fear pot. Or being stoned for that matter. In fact, I love the feeling. But when I get high I sometimes perceive:
“Trapped”
“Out of Control”
I look at the time. “OK, it should be about an hour. Take it 15 minutes at a time. It’ll be over soon. It feels great. If I freak out, where can I go for relief? Hospital? Bar? Curl up in a ball and wait it out? But I’m so relaxed.”
“The overhead view is of me in a maze” ~ Phish
It’s not about the feeling. It’s about gaining control over the feeling. It’s a great fear exposure for me because once you’re in, you’re in. Once you smoke/ingest/etc., you can’t reverse the effects and it just has to work itself out naturally.
As an agoraphobic, I don’t like these rules. I want easy. I want to control when, where, and how I feel.
If you’ve ever been to the Independent in San Francisco, you know that the potpourri is distinct. Someone passed me a joint last night. I coughed, sipped my beer, and continued on to blissland while occasionally taking the puddle jump to paranoialand. But the coup d’tat was not to be.
It’s crowded. What if I freak out and have to leave. What if there’s a fire. Are the exits big enough to let everyone squeeze out in the ensuing mad dash to safety. What if there was something in that joint. What if I simply want to end my high.
What if. What if. What if.
But I made a different choice.
It how I perceive my situation that makes or breaks it. I’m high. It’s a drug. I’m safe. It’s fun. Sure I may panic, but it’ll pass. I’m not going to perceive it as dangerous. I have control. Move on. Dance.
The band was sick by the way.
AvoidanceJunkie
