I’m in a cab. It’s dark and raining. I’m tired. But want to visit a friend to toast his birthday. The cab driver is a guy about my age with an Eastern European accent. I always feel compelled to break the ice in a cab with a question. I don’t know why. It’s not that I really care how his night is and I’m sure he has canned responses on auto-pilot at this point. But I dive in anyway, “so, how’s your night ….”
The further away I get from my house, the agoraphobic thoughts begin to churn.
If I *had* to get home quickly, what’s the best/fastest way? I look for cabs going the other way just to make sure that escape is possible. I can run and get back quickly plus there are people along the way to aid and distract me. Janette’s place is a bit closer, I can always stop there. Maybe a glass of whiskey will help. What if I’m finally going to have ‘the big one’?
Oh, one more thing, I’m completely calm. These are just the thoughts. I’m used to them by now. They do not land for most people. They aren’t even a consideration. For some of use though, they are the things that we rely on to try to retain the perception that we have control at all times.
If I can convince myself into an easy escape, however rational, then there is no need to avoid. If I can’t then my world turns upside down and even the smallest actions are meticulously planned.
A younger me might have told the cab driver to just turn around and go back. The result being a temporary relief from the consternation caused by my false perception of danger – but it’s a long term reinforcement of that perception, thereby making it more difficult the next time.
I stick with it. We pass Fulton. “hmmm, this is further away than I remembered.”
This thought pattern is dangerous. For me it’s second nature. Of course I didn’t avoid the night and went on with my plans as if the deliberation never existed.
I don’t know how to fix it. I can only change my decision to not avoid and hope that the thoughts follow suit.
Avoidance Junkie
