[Night. Our main character "Me" is putting on pajamas. His apartment is quiet. Off in the distance the siren of an ambulance rings. He sits. He thinks. He does anything to keep himself busy.]
ENTER MAIN CHARACTER
ME: Who can I call? Who can help me if I panic? If I lose control? If I go *crazy*?
[end scene]
I don’t like the night. Not because of the darkness. In fact, I love the quiet elegance if night in the city. It’s the lack of activity that night brings. As an agoraphobic, I want someone, something, anything to help take my mind off of the fear thought. But at night, someone, something, and anything aren’t there. The quick conversation with the grocery teller, an unspoken agreement that a coworker would help me in the event that I needed refuge from panic, the guy in the cafe playing chess who just might have an interesting story to tell if I strike up a conversation.
“sometimes too bright the eye of heaven shines
and often is his gold complexion dimm’d ” ~ Sonnet 18, Shakespeare
The goal? Use external stimulus to help stop something that is completely internal. I know that nobody can change *my* perception. It’s mine. I own it. Its internal. But in the moment I also don’t feel like *I* have control over my emotions. My panic. So I turn to others so, even if for a fleeting second, I can change my thoughts, my focus, my nerves.
It’s all bullshit though. The only person that can really change my perception is me. That’s it. I gotta quit looking for external “relief” from panic and start realizing that true relief comes from within. I create the thoughts, I can reverse them just as easy.
I don’t like the night. Everyone is sleeping. Sometimes I wake at 3am and think “Wow, if everyone is hidden away, who’s going to be around to help me?” I have visions of calling Janette or some friends and begging them to just hang with me for 10 minutes. “Just until it goes away”, I’ll say, knowing that once calm sets in, I’ll be completely embarrassed to have made the call in the first place.
This is pretty much every night. Unless I have a couple drinks.
After about 5 years of this pattern, I’ve yet to make any calls. I never will. It’s just a thought.
Avoidance Junkie
Hey Brian,
Have you tired any cognitive behavior therapy for your agoraphobia? It can be done online – just need to make sure someone is close by or available to you when doing it. Also, might be best to try during the day since nights seem to be worse for you. Just thinking about the issue on your behalf
Yep, I do CBT – have been for many years. It’s how I’ve been able to make so much progress med-free.
Brian
Glad to hear you have been able to maintain med free! Not that meds are bad, but the side effects can be awful! Glad to see you writing about your “avoidance” which is the ultimate form of non-avoidance!
Peace Brotha’
Blake
I agree with your closings and will unquestionably read your upcoming updates