Usually when I get on the bus before 8 am I’ll have a seat for the 20 minute ride into work. But today the rain is really hitting SF hard. I got on a bit late, at 7:50, with the person getting on before me grabbing the last seat in the back. Sure, I could have taken one of the open seats in the front, but I’d rather keep those open for old folks, handicapped, etc. So I stand.
Inside the bus
Oh, and I’d been up since 5, had an intense workout, and already had 3 cups of coffee. I wasn’t in what you’d describe as ‘chill mode’.
But remember, agoraphobia and panic are based on thoughts. Based on perception. There are 2 things required to have a panic attack:
1. Physical symptoms (rapid heartbeat, sweating, etc)
2. The perception of immediate danger.
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Without these two things, it’s impossible to panic.
Back to the bus. I’m standing in the back and am at about the halfway point Now it’s full. Driver isn’t stopping to let anyone else on. Nobody will fit. My body is in overdrive from the workout. The windows of the bus are shut and the humidity radiating from the combination of packed bodies and dense rain is causing the sweat to begin to trickle from my face, my shoulders, my neck.
“Fuck is it hot.” I think to myself. “The workout and the coffee isn’t helping either.”
Oh yea, the coffee. I’m a bit on edge. I’m fine though. But what if? What if this is the time when I have the big panic attack that I can’t stop. What if every other bus ride on every other day was an anomaly and THIS is the bus ride that I was destined for? OK, here’s the plan, if I panic, I’ll talk the bus driver into letting me off. Ok, that might work.
No, it wont. Shit. Now what? I can feel my heart begin to beat a bit faster. I’m looking around, taking in deep, deep breaths. I think to myself “I don’t want to BE HERE anymore. I don’t want to be here.”
My panic attacks usually don’t last too long. But what if this time it does? A huge spike of panic. My heart is racing, my head sweating, I’m scared. I WANT OUT NOW!
Just wait a second. It’ll pass. Just let it pass. Ok. Starting to calm. Wait, what if this time I don’t get calm? Another big spike! Full blown panic attack. Deep breaths. Shifting my feet. Bumping into people. The blood rushes away from my brain and I become more unaware of people around me. I wiggle. The blood is pumping to my major muscle groups in preparation for fight or flight. OK, this time its for real.
My bus route
As the initial shock of panic begins to fade, I notice that the bus is starting to move along at a nice pace. The next stop is not but a minute or so away. “OK, almost there”. “Good.” Immediate calm. It’s over.
A good panic attack today. I’m glad I had it. The more I panic, the more real time evidence I’ll gain that panic is just a feeling, it’s not dangerous, and that I will cope. Good start to the day!
Avoidance Junkie
I’ve been there, Brian. I just have to ask myself: worst case scenario, am I going to die? No. Okay, then I can deal with this.
Good job working through it my friend!
hey just had a big panic attack,I told myself It will pass and it did.Slow breathing and cannot wait for the next panik attack to come,so I can prove to myself that I can beat it:)