Uneventful bus ride this morning. A young woman to my left wearing a green sweater, preoccupied with her iPhone. I’m reading a book. Hitchens. A nice morning.

We pass the last stop before veering off onto a street in which we have to make a left turn. “So, what’s the big deal with that?” you might be asking yourself.

Agoraphobia is all about escape. I *have to* have an easy escape or else I’m *trapped*. Of course, I’m not really trapped and I’m perfectly safe where i’m at – but just the mere fact that I’m not able to leave at will constitutes “trapped”.

If we were in the right hand lane, I’d probably be able to talk the bus driver into pulling over and just letting me out, right? I’ll make up some excuse ~~ “I’m sick and need to throw up, can you let me off here please?” ~~ “Here’s a 20 (dollar bill), can you please let me off here?”

But if we’re in the left hand lane, I can’t get off. It’d be too dangerous given the traffic whizzing by the right side of the bus.

I’m stuck.

Typically I’ll think this stuff and just get a *tad bit* nervous or brush it off. But for some reason today, it hooked me. I went from complete calm to full blown panic in about the span of 5 seconds. Here’s the thought process.

“It would suck to panic right now”
“What if I did panic right now?”
“I’m feeling a bit nervous right now”
“I might just panic right now”
“I need to leave this spot right now!!!” Mind you, I do realize that ‘this spot’, in whatever permutation, is perfectly, perfectly safe.

But I panicked, full blown. My hands raised high in the air to let more air into my lungs. I squirmed in my seat. I probably bumped the woman next to me. I must have. But at that moment I a) don’t care and b) don’t realize it. The blood is rushing from my extremities and to my major muscle groups in preparation for fight/flight. Epinephrine (adrenaline) is released into my blood stream.

I feel like I want to jump out of my skin. Just hanging on by a thought. Salvation in my control. But I dive further.

The bus begins to move and I realize that we’re now turning left and the doors will open soon at the next stop, some 20 yards away. I don’t get off, of course. It was just a test. My stop isn’t for another mile or so. I’ll stay on, knowing that the rest of the way is a trip in the right hand lane.

Avoidance Junkie