Two major panic attacks events in the past two days.

Sitting on the bus (again). I just finished a big coffee at work and was a bit tired from the day. Man was the bus getting crowded. At early stops too. Just a ton of people leaving work at the same time.

“Just don’t freak out where I usually do” I told myself as I sat in a seat toward the back but facing forward. But I was wired, tired, and just in one of those *I don’t feel like dealing with it right now moods”.

I should go

No, I should stay. Shit, I don’t know what to do. I’ll just stay.

Bus pulls away from the stop. “OK, I’m stuck until the next stop a few blocks away”. This thought is always a bad idea.

My heels begin to raise off the ground as I squeeze my calf muscles. I feel my shoulders begin to tense. My posture changes from relaxed to ready.

We’re now in heavier traffic and still far from the next stop. I WASN’T EXPECTING THIS! Now what? Uh oh. I’m going to panic. Shit, not now. Please, I just want to go. I don’t want to experience this. BAM! Full blown panic attack.

I take a deep breath in an effort to control my now rapidly beating heart. My mind races with “how do I escape?” thoughts. How do I escape. I can’t. The bus is in the middle of the street. My entire body is reacting to the adrenaline pumping through my veins.

At this point it’s good to note that from the outside, I *seem* completely fine. I’m probably experiencing one of the worst feelings a human can experience, yet panic is designed to save us and is not dangerous. So although I’m literally trying to figure out how to save my life on the inside, on the outside it doesn’t show.

I fold my arms and put my head in the middle as if I was sleeping. The bus begins to move. The sleeping gesture is helping. Fright, while high, starting to fade a bit. We get to the next stop. Heart is upwards of 160 / 170 bpm (if you’re wondering what that feels like, go out side and sprint 100 yards and immediately take your pulse).

The fright is gone. The panic is gone. I *made* it. But my body still has some leftover chemical in it. My liver hasn’t had time to process the huge dose of adrenaline I just sent rushing through my veins. My leg shakes. I’m calm now.

The helpless feeling during a panic attack is an emotional avalanche. I’m happy I had it. I need to experience more.

Avoidance Junkie