I couldn’t think of anything better to name it other than that. I hate this post. If you know me personally, this is very difficult for me to put out into the world of 1s and 0s for everyone to read.

I hate this post I hate this post I hate this post. Whew. There. Got it out of me.

I’m not your typical nervous flyer. I’m an agoraphobic. I want to avoid and when I’m not avoiding I want to escape. Life is very manageable down here. But at 30,000 ft +, escape becomes a small inconvenience.

I remember waking up on a cold February morning in Chicago in 2000. I missed my 9:00 flight to Austin because of a multiple lane closure on the Kennedy. “I’ll be on the next flight”, I told my boss who had just arrived from Denver. I had no intention of getting on. I saw a co-worker connecting from Buffalo. I casually walked on the American Super 80. Two hours and thirty four minutes later I was in Austin. It changed my life. I traveled 80,000 miles in the following seven or so months.

On January 3, 2001, I was heading back to Chicago via Memphis and it all changed. I hate admitting this. It tears away at my ego. It chips away at my shell. I’ve only flown once since then. A short trip with my doctor from Austin to Houston and back.

I’m not even going to cheerlead in this post. It fuckin sucks. It has nothing to do with flying and everything to do with agoraphobia. I pretend that I have. Hoping that one day I’ll live the lie long enough that I’ll be in a situation that forces me to put up or shut up, with put up being the victor.

Change the thought and the phobia goes away. Change the perception and panic goes away.

I love flying. I really do. If I let my agoraphobic thoughts rule, I’ll continue to perceive the airplane to be a dangerous place and I’ll never go.

I know how to fix it. It’s not Xanax. It’s not Tequila. It’s not avoiding. It’s facing the phobia. It’s just uncomfortable. I will cope.

AvoidanceJunkie

Usually when I get on the bus before 8 am I’ll have a seat for the 20 minute ride into work. But today the rain is really hitting SF hard. I got on a bit late, at 7:50, with the person getting on before me grabbing the last seat in the back. Sure, I could have taken one of the open seats in the front, but I’d rather keep those open for old folks, handicapped, etc. So I stand.

Inside the bus

Oh, and I’d been up since 5, had an intense workout, and already had 3 cups of coffee. I wasn’t in what you’d describe as ‘chill mode’.

But remember, agoraphobia and panic are based on thoughts. Based on perception. There are 2 things required to have a panic attack:

1. Physical symptoms (rapid heartbeat, sweating, etc)
2. The perception of immediate danger.

Without these two things, it’s impossible to panic.

Back to the bus. I’m standing in the back and am at about the halfway point Now it’s full. Driver isn’t stopping to let anyone else on. Nobody will fit. My body is in overdrive from the workout. The windows of the bus are shut and the humidity radiating from the combination of packed bodies and dense rain is causing the sweat to begin to trickle from my face, my shoulders, my neck.

“Fuck is it hot.” I think to myself. “The workout and the coffee isn’t helping either.”

Oh yea, the coffee. I’m a bit on edge. I’m fine though. But what if? What if this is the time when I have the big panic attack that I can’t stop. What if every other bus ride on every other day was an anomaly and THIS is the bus ride that I was destined for? OK, here’s the plan, if I panic, I’ll talk the bus driver into letting me off. Ok, that might work.

No, it wont. Shit. Now what? I can feel my heart begin to beat a bit faster. I’m looking around, taking in deep, deep breaths. I think to myself “I don’t want to BE HERE anymore. I don’t want to be here.”

My panic attacks usually don’t last too long. But what if this time it does? A huge spike of panic. My heart is racing, my head sweating, I’m scared. I WANT OUT NOW!

Just wait a second. It’ll pass. Just let it pass. Ok. Starting to calm. Wait, what if this time I don’t get calm? Another big spike! Full blown panic attack. Deep breaths. Shifting my feet. Bumping into people. The blood rushes away from my brain and I become more unaware of people around me. I wiggle. The blood is pumping to my major muscle groups in preparation for fight or flight. OK, this time its for real.

My bus route

As the initial shock of panic begins to fade, I notice that the bus is starting to move along at a nice pace. The next stop is not but a minute or so away. “OK, almost there”. “Good.” Immediate calm. It’s over.

A good panic attack today. I’m glad I had it. The more I panic, the more real time evidence I’ll gain that panic is just a feeling, it’s not dangerous, and that I will cope. Good start to the day!

Avoidance Junkie

Is this what fear looks like?

What does fear look like? Can you draw fear? Where would you even start?

If you can draw fear, it would probably look like this famous painting.

This is fear. Right? Mouth wide open. Gaping eyes. Hands over the ears. The screams are too much.

What about this one (below)? Is this fear? Maybe. Not sure. Backs are arched. Heads hanging a bit low. Arms supporting the upper body. Sitting on the edge of their chairs. Having a conversation for sure. Probably a difficult one. Probably one that they would rather not have.

~I have an issue ..
~I need to talk to you about something …
~Can I get a second of your time …
~So, I was thinking we should chat …

Fear based avoidance comes in many forms. For me, it often manifests itself in having difficult conversations. I want to be a good guy. Don’t want to rock the boat. Easier to flake out. Hell, if I just ignore it, it might just go away. Nobody gets hurt. Everyone is happy. Right? Dealing with it takes effort. Much easier to sit back and relax, without worry.

“I’ll just sit in the middle and not take a chance. I just won’t say anything. This way, I can fly under the radar and not have to chance suffering the consequences of conflict. What if I cause this person consternation? What if I’m looked at as a bad guy? What if I’m the cause of that persons’ devastation? What if my judgment is off and I should have not said anything in the first place? What if I say the wrong thing?”

Nope, screw that. I’ll just say nothing – and hope it goes away.

A stellar example of avoidance and fear based reinforcement. I’m assuming the negative outcomes are the most likely scenarios so I completely avoid them. By avoiding, I’m giving the negative outcomes more validity than they deserve. As a result, the next time I have to confront someone in a difficult conversation, it’s going be even more difficult. The chances I avoid it the next time are very high. Almost guaranteed.

How does one live life this way? Never letting anyone know where they stand. Never standing up and carving a personalized path. Never truly letting people in – or getting let in.

I feel like I should preface with an apology, add a few buts, control everyone’s feelings, avoid fear …

Avoidance Junkie

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.” ~ Stephen Wright

Only use stairs in case of emergency. Alarm will sound if door is opened.

Wait wait wait wait. Just wait a second here. What you’re telling me is that if I wanted to use the stairs to go down, I can’t?! But I want that option. How can you expect someone to wait for the elevator without any control on how fast (or slow) it arrives to pick me up. *Then* I have the double whammy of it possibly getting stuck. What if someone has a panic attack. Do they just have to sit there and take it while waiting for the elevator? How do people stand for these rules!!!!

As I got off the elevator on the second floor of 110 Sutter yesterday, these were my thoughts. For me, not having the option of using stairs to go down translates to “i’m trappped”. I’m trapped translates to danger. Danger translates to panic. Panic is bad.

Now I’ve had hundreds of panic attacks and am very familiar with these type of short term panic scenarios. I say short term because I realize that at most, I’m going to wait for a minute until the elevator arrives and escorts me to back to “safety”.

A minute of full blown panic? No problemo. Not knowing how long I’ll have to wait – an unknown time variable? Gran problema! I’m an agoraphobic – I want full control of where I have to be, when, and how. I could theoretically use the emergency escape and make up some story about how why I took such a dramatic route out of the building. But that could potentially land me in bigger trouble. So I’m really stuck to one exit route here.

Oh, so here’s the deal. Just by thinking these things, I’m setting myself up for panic. I’m reinforcing my perception that I’m in a *dangerous* situation and should ready my body for fight or flight. If I just got off the elevator and never even looked at the exits, the chances that I’d panic would be slim to none. But by taking that step, I in a small way validated my fear and went down the agoraphobic path.

Again, these are just thoughts. The reality was that I walked into the tailors office, got my coat taken in a bit, walked out, and waited for a few seconds for the next elevator going down. I was completely calm the entire time.

I have to go back again next week to pick up my coat. I’m looking forward to it. Maybe I’ll panic – hopefully I’ll panic – I need more evidence that panic isn’t dangerous, it just feels bad.

Avoidance Junkie

The caveat post.

The sole intention of this blog is to take you take you into the inner thoughts of an agoraphobic. But it’s not just about agoraphobia. Anyone with a phobia or extreme fear has similar thoughts and experiences. It’s about avoidance. It’s about facing your fear.

My goal with this is threefold.

1) The more I write, the more I’m able to assess my own phobias and actions. It’s part of my own therapy and recovery process.

2) To help you. There are a boatload of people around you everyday that practice avoidant behavior. Maybe you know these people. Maybe you can recognize avoidant behavior in your own life and make the same changes I’m making. We all have fears – and we all have the opportunity to face them.

3) To build an audience for another project I’m working on within a similar space. I’m just learning here. I’m not a writer or a blogger or a psych expert. This is fun. I want you to come back. I want you to laugh – to gasp – to learn.

But to those that know me – and love me – I’m fine. In fact, I’m more than fine. I’m great. I’ve had this disorder for many years and have made great strides in fixing it. And as I fix it, I want to take others along for the ride. There are millions of others just like me. It’s a common thing.

My first doctor used to say to me, “Brian, there are people in the middle of war zones. There are people starving for food. There are people with real problems. You’re problem is just fear. And it’s fixable. So fix it.” He’s right. These problems are miniscule in comparison to most peoples problems. So I’m gonna fix these small annoyances and move on to bigger and better things.

But for now, I’m still engaging in a pattern of avoidance. It’s a process – we’ll get there!

Avoidance Junkie

What do these three photos have in common? (Answer at the very end)

Great views? Yes.
All taken from my iPhone? Sure
Amateur photos? No question about it.

What do you *feel* when you see these photos? What comes to mind?

[i'll give you a second or two]

Sunrise
When I see the sunrise, I see the desolation of the road and I immediately think — what if. What if I need help RIGHT NOW? How long will I suffer if I panic and need something to take the panic away? How far is the nearest safe place? A place to get a beer. A gas station with other people. A small town. A hospital. A cop. ANYBODY?

I had the choice at that moment. 1. Stay with the anxiety and roll with it for what it was – just my false perception of danger OR 2. Do whatever I could to remove the feeling – to take away the (false) danger. I wonder what that ride would have been like if I chose the former.

But unfortunately I chose the latter and took a xanax. The panic went away. I reinforced my false perception of danger. I wasn’t *in* danger. But avoidance just seemed better than suffering.

Buildings
Great view, huh? But why am I on the 20th floor of a building that has three elevators, two of which only go to the 12th floor? Escape means sprinting down 20 flights of stairs as fast as possible. But I’m here and now I don’t want to be here anymore. I need to get down. I’m stuck. OK, I’ve been up here long enough. Time to go down. Panic.

It’s interesting how you validate your false fears when you give into your desire to run and avoid. I must have been up there for 15 minutes, but as soon as I said “no mas” and pressed the elevator button, I validated the fear by running away and panic set in.

Golden Gate Bridge
There’s traffic to my left and a 200 foot drop to my right. I’m at least 200 yards away from safety (being off the bridge). What am I afraid of right now? It’s safe, right? Nope. I’m stuck. I can turn and run and get to safety relatively quickly. I really have no other choice. I can sit here and panic or get off the bridge and relax. There is *no easy escape*.

Here’s the deal. If I would have casually sat there, I would have faced my fear and realized that I’m just fine. That there’s nothing to be afraid of – and stayed calm. Even if I turned to casually walk away, I would have been less anxious because by walking, I would have sent a signal to my brain that says “If I were really in danger, I’d be running right now. I’m not running, so I must not be in danger”.

But remember. I’m an avoidance junkie. So I ran. I validated the false fear. I panicked. I had a choice, and I chose to run from my fear. I fed my fear. I gave it more life, more credence.

So, what’s do the three photos have in common?

I was in a high state of anxiety and agoraphobia at that very moment and even with huge levels of epinephrine pumping through my veins, I was fine. I was in control. I was fine enough to snap a beautiful photo. I was fine enough to recognize that these moments needed to be captured. I was really fine. But I still ran. I haven’t been back since.

Avoidance Junkie

Is ‘hedger’ even a word?

I’ve been hedging a lot these days. It’s easier that way. Why take the chance to make a decision when you don’t have to? Plus, it’s so much easier to just avoid and hope the problem just. goes. away. It’s a great way to reward yourself. Check it out.

I spend my time minimizing the probability of the left but still think I can achieve the right. Not gonna happen.

Just this past week I -

* Walked all the way to the Twestival party and decided that I was “too tired” to attend. Translation: I don’t know anyone and the effort involved in introducing myself and having conversations is not *easy*.

* Avoided talking to some people at work because the conversations would have been difficult. As an avoidance expert, I want things easy. I want my life to always be relaxed. To be effort free.

* Avoided the broken elevator in my building because it might get stuck. (BTW, it was just fixed, yet I still avoid ‘just in case’)

* Walked off a crowded bus because it was chaotic and I felt ’stuck’. To my credit, I got on the next one. I had a panic attack but didn’t mind. Yet I still got off. It’s just a pattern of avoidance that’s almost second nature at this point. Fuck, it sucks.

I’m sure there’s more. That’s just the highlights.

Avoidance Junkie

[Night. Our main character "Me" is putting on pajamas. His apartment is quiet. Off in the distance the siren of an ambulance rings. He sits. He thinks. He does anything to keep himself busy.]

ENTER MAIN CHARACTER

ME: Who can I call? Who can help me if I panic? If I lose control? If I go *crazy*?

[end scene]

I don’t like the night. Not because of the darkness. In fact, I love the quiet elegance if night in the city. It’s the lack of activity that night brings. As an agoraphobic, I want someone, something, anything to help take my mind off of the fear thought. But at night, someone, something, and anything aren’t there. The quick conversation with the grocery teller, an unspoken agreement that a coworker would help me in the event that I needed refuge from panic, the guy in the cafe playing chess who just might have an interesting story to tell if I strike up a conversation.

“sometimes too bright the eye of heaven shines
and often is his gold complexion dimm’d ” ~ Sonnet 18, Shakespeare

The goal? Use external stimulus to help stop something that is completely internal. I know that nobody can change *my* perception. It’s mine. I own it. Its internal. But in the moment I also don’t feel like *I* have control over my emotions. My panic. So I turn to others so, even if for a fleeting second, I can change my thoughts, my focus, my nerves.

It’s all bullshit though. The only person that can really change my perception is me. That’s it. I gotta quit looking for external “relief” from panic and start realizing that true relief comes from within. I create the thoughts, I can reverse them just as easy.

I don’t like the night. Everyone is sleeping. Sometimes I wake at 3am and think “Wow, if everyone is hidden away, who’s going to be around to help me?” I have visions of calling Janette or some friends and begging them to just hang with me for 10 minutes. “Just until it goes away”, I’ll say, knowing that once calm sets in, I’ll be completely embarrassed to have made the call in the first place.

This is pretty much every night. Unless I have a couple drinks.

After about 5 years of this pattern, I’ve yet to make any calls. I never will. It’s just a thought.

Avoidance Junkie

I’m in a cab. It’s dark and raining. I’m tired. But want to visit a friend to toast his birthday. The cab driver is a guy about my age with an Eastern European accent. I always feel compelled to break the ice in a cab with a question. I don’t know why. It’s not that I really care how his night is and I’m sure he has canned responses on auto-pilot at this point. But I dive in anyway, “so, how’s your night ….”

The further away I get from my house, the agoraphobic thoughts begin to churn.

If I *had* to get home quickly, what’s the best/fastest way? I look for cabs going the other way just to make sure that escape is possible. I can run and get back quickly plus there are people along the way to aid and distract me. Janette’s place is a bit closer, I can always stop there. Maybe a glass of whiskey will help. What if I’m finally going to have ‘the big one’?

Oh, one more thing, I’m completely calm. These are just the thoughts. I’m used to them by now. They do not land for most people. They aren’t even a consideration. For some of use though, they are the things that we rely on to try to retain the perception that we have control at all times.

If I can convince myself into an easy escape, however rational, then there is no need to avoid. If I can’t then my world turns upside down and even the smallest actions are meticulously planned.

A younger me might have told the cab driver to just turn around and go back. The result being a temporary relief from the consternation caused by my false perception of danger – but it’s a long term reinforcement of that perception, thereby making it more difficult the next time.

I stick with it. We pass Fulton. “hmmm, this is further away than I remembered.”

This thought pattern is dangerous. For me it’s second nature. Of course I didn’t avoid the night and went on with my plans as if the deliberation never existed.

I don’t know how to fix it. I can only change my decision to not avoid and hope that the thoughts follow suit.

Avoidance Junkie

“Well, I’m glad that you faced your fear, but let’s try to do it in more constructive terms the next time.” I paraphrase. But it’s something I’ve heard from all of my therapists when it comes to the issue of smoking pot.

It’s not that I fear pot. Or being stoned for that matter. In fact, I love the feeling. But when I get high I sometimes perceive:
“Trapped”
“Out of Control”

I look at the time. “OK, it should be about an hour. Take it 15 minutes at a time. It’ll be over soon. It feels great. If I freak out, where can I go for relief? Hospital? Bar? Curl up in a ball and wait it out? But I’m so relaxed.”

“The overhead view is of me in a maze” ~ Phish

It’s not about the feeling. It’s about gaining control over the feeling. It’s a great fear exposure for me because once you’re in, you’re in. Once you smoke/ingest/etc., you can’t reverse the effects and it just has to work itself out naturally.

As an agoraphobic, I don’t like these rules. I want easy. I want to control when, where, and how I feel.

If you’ve ever been to the Independent in San Francisco, you know that the potpourri is distinct. Someone passed me a joint last night. I coughed, sipped my beer, and continued on to blissland while occasionally taking the puddle jump to paranoialand. But the coup d’tat was not to be.

It’s crowded. What if I freak out and have to leave. What if there’s a fire. Are the exits big enough to let everyone squeeze out in the ensuing mad dash to safety. What if there was something in that joint. What if I simply want to end my high.

What if. What if. What if.

But I made a different choice.

It how I perceive my situation that makes or breaks it. I’m high. It’s a drug. I’m safe. It’s fun. Sure I may panic, but it’ll pass. I’m not going to perceive it as dangerous. I have control. Move on. Dance.

The band was sick by the way.

AvoidanceJunkie